Week 3: One Step At A Time

I have always struggled with body image issues.  That may be putting it mildly, but it's a good place to start.  Even as a young girl, I never really liked the person staring back at me in the mirror.  My hair is naturally curly and is impossible to tame without super powered hair products and a lot of patience.  I had an overbite that was a constant reminder to me that I didn't measure up.  I was not a fastionista who had a good handle on what looked good on me.  Like every other girl, I wanted to look different.
I developed an eating disorder when I was in late grade school.  I struggled through high school and went to two inpatient treatment programs in my late teens.  Treatment was so tough in so many ways.  Food was the enemy and we went into battle six times a day! 
We had three meals and three snacks.  Everyone sat at a table and had a half an hour to finish our food.  A staff member sat at the table with you and watched you eat.  If you didn't eat your food in half an hour, there was always consequences.  Usually you had to drink the calories in the form of ensure, a liquid supplement that smells like powered milk mixed with paint - I know - yum! 
At first, the food choices were made for us and we just ate what we were given.  As we progressed, we made our menu cards from the hospital's gourmet offerings.  I spent many hours poring over those menus trying to select something that the dietician checking the cards would approve.
When I was admitted to the program, I were put on a "weight line".  The expectation was that I  gained a half a pound a day to stay "on your line".  If I did not gain, I lost privileges, like phone calls, exercise, fun stuff..  Every morning at 6:00 a.m., a staff member woke us up and herded us down the hall to the scale.  Not a terrific way to start your day.  The rest of the day revolved around that number.  Some of the braver patients tried different ways to have the scale move up without gaining weight including taping quarters to their legs.  This was hardcore treatment. 
Eating disorders are much like alcoholism.  Although a patient may no longer be restricting, dieting, binging and purging, they are always in recovery.  It's a slippery slope that starts with one missed meal, one bad day, one forbidden food.  Only by God's grace do I stand here today and every day.I was in treatment with young women who died from their disease. Many patients were "frequent fliers" who had been in and out of treatment many times. Some ran out of options before their health was restored.
The programs worked on the disease from many different angles - physical, emotional and spiritual.  I hold the chaplains at the University of Minnesota in high regard.  Even in the midst of that situation, God was there.
Both of my stints in inpatient treatment lasted six weeks, with years of outpatient treatment to follow. It was a years' long pause in my life that has given me an appreciation for simpling things like going out to lunch with the girls.  It has given me a passion in my ministry to remind everyone that the image you struggle with in the mirror is the child that God holds in His heart.
Being in recovery comes in to play when I started at the gym.  I don't own a scale at my house - a slippery slope - so I rely upon the doctor's office to give me the numbers as I gauge my progress by how my clothes fit.  When the personal trainer assessor told me my body fat ratio, I was appalled!  She was quick to point out that it was very normal for a woman my age, but those numbers still hold a lot of power in my life.  As I progress with my personal trainer (PT), we don't talk weight much.  However, I do triumph in bragging that I have gone down two sizes in the last six weeks (shamelessly bragging!).  PT seems pleased with my progress as we move forward.
I give you this history so you understand how much God has been at work in my life and continues to amaze me with His blessings.  My diet works for me because my dietician/diabetic educator uses an exchange system instead of calories.  She is sensative to this nature of my recovery and is wonderful at making it seem completely normal.  My PT focuses on fitness, stamina and endurance.  I am surprised that my four mile cardio class at church shows me that I am moving in the right direction. 
This week at the gym was not extraordinary.  I was eager to get to the gym on Tuesday and work.  A repeat visit to the dietician gave me some great resources as I continue to find a balance between carbs, protein and blood sugar.  I now carry a powder carb booster if my blood sugar drops during my work out.  It looks a bit like a pixi stick.  It's my secret weapon against hypoglycemia and a safety net.  It's a study in patience for me and PT as we find that balance while keeping me challenged.
As I lock my cell phone in the trunk and head into the building, I spend time working on me.  My health and well-being are an investment in myself, my life, my family and my ministry.  I have become disciplined in other areas of my life as I work on my diet and fitness.  Prayer time has become more regular.  I seek balance between working and playing, resting and activitiy.  Even financial decisions are considered more carefully.
As I leap into this coming week, I want to stop and give God the glory for the great things He is doing in my life.