Going Once, Going Twice.... Gone

I have a secret. Nothing that would make my Staff Parish Committee groan or my poor mother blush. No, it's completely legal and absolutely moral. I love auctions.
For those of you who are not familiar with this custom, it's pretty simple. A family decides that they have too much stuff. Maybe their folks have passed away and the kids really don't want to take all of the folks' excess and add it to their excess. They call up a person who speaks a language that is only partially understandable, lug their stuff outside and put it on trailers. Some items are put into boxes with nonrelated items and then they invite people to rifle through their belongings. People are given bidding numbers. Men stand around talking about the weather; women congregate around the youngest baby and share childraising secrets. The Auctioneer picks up the nearest box of stuff and away they go!
Now the fun begins. You wait until the auctioneer goes to the lowest possible bid price and then you raise your hand, nod your head and bid until the price goes out of your range or everyone else decides you want the valuable merchandise more than they do. Sold! You go pick up your newly acquired stuff and the process repeats itself over and over until everything is sold.
I went to my first auction of the season yesterday and I remembered why I enjoy them so much. I like keeping my eyes peeled for treasures. It's fun to watch two women go after the same teapot and see one of the women concede. The thrill of victory and the agony of defeat. Who needs reality television?!?
My eight year old nephew, Samuel, seemed very confused by the whole process when the auction got rolling yesterday. He told me, "I don't understand what he's saying." I replied that no one really does, it's the numbers that are important. I'm not that auctions hold the same thrill for children under the age of 16.
There are a few things you should now if you are a first time auction attendee.
1. Never nod your head as an answer to any question or raise your hand to demonstrate to a small child next to you how high your junior prom date was. My father almost bought a horse that way once.
2. Beware of the boxes. If they can't get a bid for a box of "valuable merchandise" they will just keep adding boxes until someone will give them a quarter for all of it. These boxes may hold antique silverware OR carpet squares from the mid 1970's.
3. Always visit the lunch service. In our neck of the woods, you are sure to sample some of the best kuchen you have every eaten and the sloppy joes are all the sloppy that you can handle. Take a fork!
4. People in my part of the country are very respectful to leave the bidding to famly when an heirloom. Outside collectors are sure to get some icy glares when outbidding Cousin Nellie for grandma's quilt.
5. Get there early to inspect the auction items, get a good spot to enjoy the auction and wear sunscreen.
I am auction-going again tomorrow. Who knows what I could find? I'm in the market for a couch, chair, kitchen table and/or chairs and a snow blower. I am confident enough to stand my ground during even the most furious bidding and know when to shake my head and pull out when prices go to high. I've got my Coppertone SPF 80 and some money for the food vendor. I love that I live in a community that guarantees that I can go away empty handed and still feel happy that I've spent the day outdoors with my neighbors doing something important. I've helped another family through the process of downsizing their parents' estate with respect, some laughter and a nod of the head.